Use them for your happiness

I was a little sad today in the morning when a few of my friends completely ignored me. Although they are not great friends, but still, just for the amount of time we have known each other, i did not expect that from them. Accidentally, my roomie came online and i told him about it. I told him how i hate if someone asks me out for pity, one can easily find that out. I told him i did not feel good, for i never expected these friends, or for that matter, anyone to behave like that to me. He was patiently listening to me, when all of a sudden, he came up with something. He said "Rohit, use them for your happiness". I was shocked at first, could not fathom the words, and asked for explanation. He told me, go along with them, talk to them, mingle with them, extract ur happiness out of them, for that is urs, not theirs. I was lost in thinking when he pointed to a fact that many guys around me were scared of me. I wondered, and yes, it was true. I could see fear in eyes of many. When and how did this happen? "you dont talk bullshit with everyone", i was informed. This was true. I have my own net of comfort, beyond which i hardly let anyone penetrate and have a glance. I thought for a while, and i knew why did this happen. I have always mixed up with people who have struck a great rapport with me, and even though there exists a category called "just friends" for people, it did not exist for me anymore. And how does it matter to me then if these people ignore me? I started thinking evil for some time, talked to my roomie if i could dominate them? He firmly replied "No, dont. Just get along with them. Sip a cup of tea and add a little personal touch in the talk". He said, "Keep ur wrath within urself. Let them think u r fine. That ways u will use them for your happiness". I knew there's got to be a deeper meaning to it, and yes there was. Coming to think of it, my mood was a lot better after that. I promised myself i wont be disappointed and show it to anyone. I would extract my happiness out of all circumstances. All that for a would be manager! :)

Alex and Emma

Thats the title of the latest flick i watched. The movie is about a writer who has to write a book in 30 days, else he would be killed. He calls a stenographer to type for him. Now, he builds a plot while dictating it to her and based on her reactions/analysis, proceeds with the story of the book. It so turns out ultimately that the story was an inspiration from his life. While, in the story, he loses both the women he loved, he fights back in reality and wins the heart of the right woman, thus changing the ending of the book.

Now, what particularly glued me to the movie was the "art of writing". I always wanted to write. Blogging is my first medium for that. I always wondered how do novelists/writers come up with such a magnificent/beautiful plot in one go. The movie told me that its possible to go about writing in small spurts, progress the story as and when u r comfortable with the part so far written and when you get a clear idea of where to take the story from there. As they say, the writer plays with the characters, they are his creation. To write something, u should be clear about the start and the end. The part in between decides how good a writer you are. I intend to be one someday. I guess i am on the right path. :)

Solace in loneliness

Until now, i always feared loneliness. Yeah, i was among the lucky ones to always have friend(s) around. As a matter of fact, i used to find it extremely bizzare to amble around. It was recently that i discovered the true joy of walking aimlessly. I am among the people who are very conscious of themselves and hence i never let myself free in any situation. A few days back my friend rightly pointed out that i can never walk like him, not thinking anything, as if it doesn't matter who all are looking at me and whatever they think of me. Right from my childhood, i had always felt queer being alone in a crowd. You might laugh at it, but while doing daily chores at home, when i used to land up at a shop, i used to find it bad to wait until the shopkeeper gives me the stuff and i pay up. I used to think what am i supposed to do all this while, and as a result i used to be so conscious of myself. In classroom, i used to hate it when i became the centre of attraction (for whatever reasons). Moving along with friends used to be my way to show back to the world "Here. I am not alone."

I realize that devoid of a certain realistic situation, a person would always avoid doing what he/she fears/dislikes. Thats how i came to know of things i could do successfully when i was alone, no matter whether in a crowd, or in a hidden corner of my life. They say, its all about confidence that you have on yourself. Right, it has built a lot in these last few years. Yes, i am learning slowly how to be less conscious of myself and yes, i am learning how to find solace in my loneliness. :)

The joy of achievement

April, 2004: I started preparing for CAT, hoping to get an MBA admit. Consequent months saw me put all the effort i could learning.

January, 2005: Kicked by all the institutes in the written test itself. :(

Nov/Dec 2005: Gave CAT/XAT/JMET but could hardly prepare anything because of my tough work schedule (had to stretch till 1 AM in the morning sometimes).

January, 2006: Shortlisted by 3 bschools based on jmet score, namely IIT Bombay, IIT Delhi and IIT Kgp.

March, 2006: Final Selection in IIT Delhi for MBA programme 2006-2008. Also, selected in IIT Kgp and waitlisted in IIT Bombay

Its amusing, how success comes easily sometimes, without any effort. While u keep on putting ur best for no matter how much time, the joy of achievement makes its show only when its destined to. I remember the day when i went to give JMET exam, i was joking with a friend, telling him that i dont feel like giving the exam, and am so sleepy. This was the first exam where i did not show any signs of nervousness or expectations, and bingo! on spot it hit! Truely said, its all about maintaing ur calm. :)

Its the last few months at office and i dont feel like doing anything, just musing in the music of happiness, accompanied by occasional bursts of guilt consciouness. But, i guess i am on the right path. I had to take a decision about my joining in a few days after the result was declared. Some suggested that i should try another time for CAT and crack IIMs, i thought and followed my instinct and took admission, although its costing me my bond. But, i am happy, satisfied, free and lucky.